“Cry like a child…though these years make me older…”
Morning would have never been the same… How many times were you my only friend? your voice like a warm blanket against my skin, drawing me in and holding me in all that was wrong… you taught me to see the failings in life… to give up on caring about them… To find strength in love, to ignore them all when they ignored me…
How many times did you fall victim to it? collapsing to the ground in convulsions, your heart racing out of your chest… powerless to that which you did not create… how many times did i fall to the ground… screaming with my head spinning out of my reach, powerless to that which you opened my eyes to….? I can say, without hesitation, I know the feeling.
R.I.P Ian, I am not sure the world will ever be the same without you in it.
So this is permanence, love’s shattered pride
What once was innocence, turned on its side
A cloud hangs over me, marks every move
Deep in the memory, of what once was love
labyrinthinelasermoon:
This is the room, the start of it all
Through childhood, through youth, I remember it all
Oh, I’ve seen the nights filled with bloodsport and pain
And the bodies obtained… the bodies obtained… the bodies obtained.
Where will it end?
These are older pictures, but seeing as I could not for the life of me find my Joy Division shirt to wear yesterday, this is part of my tribute spilling into today.
Its been 32 long years. 32 years since you simply could not stand with the weight of the world on your shoulders any longer.
But even now, even still, every time I see you shake, grabbing at the stand, praying for stability… my heart sinks. My stomach turns in knots that threaten to tear me apar and tears well up in my eyes. I would have given you every last ounce of my strength to see you stand up and love for just one more day.
But its so much different with you. You were never quite like anyone else to me, you made me feel so unbelievable. It was like I didnt have a hope in the world… like it was all just too much… like I didnt care anymore. And it was wonderful, to know how that depth of misery felt, to know you felt it too.
I would walk along the tracks, the sun just barely peeking through the clouds in the morning… It smelled like salt and sulphur and I would focus on your voice, on the straight lines ahead of me, taunting me. They would tell me that if I fall.. there is nothing else. i fall. Did you know what that was like? I’m sure you did, my darling angel. To fear falling but find yourself drawn to that which threatens to knock you off balance…
“Cry like a child…though these years make me older…”
Morning would have never been the same… How many times were you my only friend? your voice like a warm blanket against my skin, drawing me in and holding me in all that was wrong… you taught me to see the failings in life… to give up on caring about them… To find strength in love, to ignore them all when they ignored me…
How many times did you fall victim to it? collapsing to the ground in convulsions, your heart racing out of your chest… powerless to that which you did not create… how many times did i fall to the ground… screaming with my head spinning out of my reach, powerless to that which you opened my eyes to….? I can say, without hesitation, I know the feeling.
Being told that you are a mess, that you are irredeemably fucked, that no matter what the medications cost, their effect or the treatment you are given, you will never be well again… It hurts. More than words could ever explain, it hurts. There are days when I marvel at your strength to go on as long as you did…
But when I learned you had died… and how troubled you were over so many things… my heart broke. I related so much to you…to some of the things you must have gone through… and even now, it hurts to watch you sing. it’s a fleeting, brief glimpse at a man as troubled as I, as broken and hurt…. The way you sang, the way the words dripped from your lips like tar…You were failing yourself… How no one else saw it I will never understand.
Words cannot explain it… Not after all these years, no thoughts or images can explain to me why you mean so much to me… They have not invented words heavy enough, images heartbreaking enough. You were, are, and always will be, my tourniquet.
In time, I pray they will come to realize what a great loss we suffered when it all became too much for you… Perhaps they will think twice about ignoring words, tears and pain…
But for now, with no other option, I will wipe the tears away from my eyes and continue on with my life, listening to your voice pounding in my ears
-JVG
Some days its hard to look at other people.
-
I want to hide until my jawline comes back… until my voice is lower and smoother… until he can feel the stubble on my chin when i kiss him… i just want to find some place to hide where all i can hear is those two voices, so melodic and sad… telling me its not safe out there, not right now.
Itll be another long night, ill go sing it out. Ill figure this out.
-Joji
a change of speed, a change of style. a change of scene with no regrets.
